Two years ago, Matt walked away from me ... and I began to feel like my life was spinning out of control. At first, I did a lot of grasping for anything I could hang onto. I wanted to stop the free fall. I was scared of letting go of all that I knew, and trusting that God was going to catch me.
But as the days, weeks, months and years have slowly passed by, I've learned a lot about faith and trust in God. And now, I actually feel safe being out of control of my own life. I have found that the free fall is actually an okay place to be because I can trust that God is going to catch me and gently place me down in the perfect spot. Things will be better when I land ... I can trust that even though the fall is a little scary, I've actually got nothing to fear.
Recently, I discovered I was going to have to move out of my house as it had been sold. I started immediately to look for a new home. Despite my best efforts, no house was available to me. I couldn't seem to find anything. Again and again and again my search came up empty. As I prayed, God began to make it clear that I needed to search in another town. And, He has confirmed that for me time and time and time again.
So, today I find myself purchasing a home (for the first time ever) in a new town ... free falling again, knowing that God is working out all the details. Free falling .. not knowing why God is moving me or how things are really going to work out. But I'm excited about the future and I'm feeling incredibly safe in this season of letting go and letting God. I can honestly say that moving is not my idea, but I trust that God is doing something really amazing in this situation.
I heard this song by Francesca Battistelli tonight and it just seemed to describe my place in life so perfectly. I found the You Tube video, but I can't seem to embed it here. Oh, well, here's the link to go to You Tube and view it for yourself ... or you can just read the lyrics below.
I'm Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNEhKLrsUfo
My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back
Chorus
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
Chorus
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
My Smart Boys
Warning ... another bragging Momma post!
Both of my boys have been accepted in the academic gifted program. Yay! I'm so thrilled and excited! Apparently, both boys did very well on the gifted tests. I knew that they would, though. They are such smart guys.
Nathan also made the gifted art program. WOO-HOO! He's just an all-around talented kid.
Both of my boys have been accepted in the academic gifted program. Yay! I'm so thrilled and excited! Apparently, both boys did very well on the gifted tests. I knew that they would, though. They are such smart guys.
Nathan also made the gifted art program. WOO-HOO! He's just an all-around talented kid.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Spring Cleaning in my Soul
I've been busy doing a lot decluttering in my heart. This spring cleaning has been good for me, but definitely not fun. Every day I'm faced with some ugly truth about myself. The most recent thing I've come to the realize is that I'm 36 years old and to this day I worry more about what someone else *might* think about my life than I do about how Jesus and I feel about my life. :( This concern is cluttering up my mind and my heart. I often can't hear the Lord because of the loudness of this clutter that's clanging around. I long for peace when I make decisions, and I'm seeing that I'll never get that if I'm listening to all the well-meaning people in my life. Far too often, I'm guilty of being a people pleaser, when really all that matters is being a God-pleaser.
Like a Whisper in my Soul
Last week I applied for a loan on the house ... and you know how it goes, when you start to wonder and worry over if you are doing the "right" thing. I would feel totally confident one minute, only to be plagued by doubts in the next. Waffling back and forth ... obsessing and praying and praying and obsessing. :perplex:
Today, a lady at church spoke with me about her daughter who is moving back to our tiny town due to a divorce situation. :( She was asking me some questions about my experience and as we stood there talking I asked her if C. had found a place to live. The mother nodded yes and then named the house. It was a house that I was trying to rent myself ... and the landlord originally told me yes and then backed out saying that she wasn't able to get things taken care of with the house in order for me to move in.
You know, immediately in my heart I heard a whisper ... it was nearly audible this loud whisper. No doubt it was God, who said to me, "This house was for C. and not for you. I am moving you on and you didn't need to be in that house." It was like a sweet confirmation that I've done the right thing.
Normally, I'd be confused and upset. But today I experience no trace of anger or confusion. I know that the house fell through for me because I'm no longer supposed to be here. Every single door I tried to open was locked tight. God wanted me to move. Besides, I'm thrilled for C. ... she is able to come home and be in this safe cocoon of a town, near her family for this season of healing. And I'm going to be able to leave with peace in my heart, knowing that my own healing season is over and I'm stepping out into the next season of my life which will be in a new town. There will be a new church for me to worship with and new friends for me to enjoy ... new school for the kids, new activities to fill our days and so much to anticipate!
God is incredibly gracious to me. He's been my Protector. He's been my Redeemer, even when I didn't feel like I was worth being redeemed. Now, he is my Encourager ... helping me to boldly step into the new. And with my eyes focused on Him, I'm wildly anticipating the new season that He is bringing into my life.
Today, a lady at church spoke with me about her daughter who is moving back to our tiny town due to a divorce situation. :( She was asking me some questions about my experience and as we stood there talking I asked her if C. had found a place to live. The mother nodded yes and then named the house. It was a house that I was trying to rent myself ... and the landlord originally told me yes and then backed out saying that she wasn't able to get things taken care of with the house in order for me to move in.
You know, immediately in my heart I heard a whisper ... it was nearly audible this loud whisper. No doubt it was God, who said to me, "This house was for C. and not for you. I am moving you on and you didn't need to be in that house." It was like a sweet confirmation that I've done the right thing.
Normally, I'd be confused and upset. But today I experience no trace of anger or confusion. I know that the house fell through for me because I'm no longer supposed to be here. Every single door I tried to open was locked tight. God wanted me to move. Besides, I'm thrilled for C. ... she is able to come home and be in this safe cocoon of a town, near her family for this season of healing. And I'm going to be able to leave with peace in my heart, knowing that my own healing season is over and I'm stepping out into the next season of my life which will be in a new town. There will be a new church for me to worship with and new friends for me to enjoy ... new school for the kids, new activities to fill our days and so much to anticipate!
God is incredibly gracious to me. He's been my Protector. He's been my Redeemer, even when I didn't feel like I was worth being redeemed. Now, he is my Encourager ... helping me to boldly step into the new. And with my eyes focused on Him, I'm wildly anticipating the new season that He is bringing into my life.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Math Bee Winner ... Again!
Last year, Joel won the math bee. He was the school district's 1st grade math champion. (You can actually go back and see last year's post and pictures from the 1st grade math bee: http://goingoutandgoingforth.blogspot.com/2008/05/math-bee-winner.html)
This year, he has won again! Yesterday, Joel competed in the school district math bee and won the second grade trophy. Yay! He competed on stage in two rounds of straight math facts, followed by 2 rounds of word problems. There were six contestants left at the end of the 4 rounds. Those children then took a multiplication timed test to determine the winner. Joel worked the most problems in the 1 minute test, so he was declared the 2nd grade champion. Yay!
I'm so proud of my big boy! I'm always blessed to be his mom, and I'm proud of him every day. But this weekend we are definitely celebrating his math success! And just for clarification ... Joel does not get his math skills from his mother. I am not a math whiz by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I am so mathematically challenged, that in high school I had to take algebra 1 twice! So that makes me extra happy to see how wonderful my son is able to succeed in an area that I've always found terribly challenging.
Way to go, Joel!
(Pictures from the math bee coming soon!)
This year, he has won again! Yesterday, Joel competed in the school district math bee and won the second grade trophy. Yay! He competed on stage in two rounds of straight math facts, followed by 2 rounds of word problems. There were six contestants left at the end of the 4 rounds. Those children then took a multiplication timed test to determine the winner. Joel worked the most problems in the 1 minute test, so he was declared the 2nd grade champion. Yay!
I'm so proud of my big boy! I'm always blessed to be his mom, and I'm proud of him every day. But this weekend we are definitely celebrating his math success! And just for clarification ... Joel does not get his math skills from his mother. I am not a math whiz by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I am so mathematically challenged, that in high school I had to take algebra 1 twice! So that makes me extra happy to see how wonderful my son is able to succeed in an area that I've always found terribly challenging.
Way to go, Joel!
(Pictures from the math bee coming soon!)
Monday, April 13, 2009
I've been experiencing life from the safety of a cocoon.
Sometimes, we need seasons like that ... seasons when we are wrapped snug in a place of love where our hearts are healed and our souls are renewed after a long, hard battle. Without the cocoon, life would be overwhelming. So, we are thankful for the time we can spend in safe keeping out of danger's way.
But in that cocoon, there is also growth that takes place. As time passes on, what was once a place of security eventually becomes uncomfortable. We long to push out and stretch new wings to the sun and experience life from outside the cocoon again.
I'm not sure ... but I think I'm ready to emerge from my own little cocoon. It's been 2 years of living with life on hold. With every day that passes, I feel like I'm becoming more and more tightly wedged into this tiny place. I'm thinking it is time to try to fly again.
Sometimes, we need seasons like that ... seasons when we are wrapped snug in a place of love where our hearts are healed and our souls are renewed after a long, hard battle. Without the cocoon, life would be overwhelming. So, we are thankful for the time we can spend in safe keeping out of danger's way.
But in that cocoon, there is also growth that takes place. As time passes on, what was once a place of security eventually becomes uncomfortable. We long to push out and stretch new wings to the sun and experience life from outside the cocoon again.
I'm not sure ... but I think I'm ready to emerge from my own little cocoon. It's been 2 years of living with life on hold. With every day that passes, I feel like I'm becoming more and more tightly wedged into this tiny place. I'm thinking it is time to try to fly again.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Extravagant Easter Blessings
It's been such a wonderful Easter weekend ... full of wonderful blessings that have touched my heart.
The kids and I traveled with Brooke and my parents down to visit my brother's family near Baton Rouge. My niece Rachel was baptized today. My brother Reid (who is a youth pastor) was able to baptize his daughter, so it was very special to witness this precious moment. Baptism doesn't save a person's soul, but it is a beautiful picture of salvation. I'm so happy that my favorite niece (and I can say that because she's the only one) is also my sister in Christ.
While we were getting ready to watch the baptism service, Julia was full of questions. First of all, she wanted to know if Rachel got a new swimsuit to wear since she was going to have to go all the way under the water. When I said that she wouldn't be wearing a swimsuit, Julia gasped and said, "You mean she has to be naked?!" So funny! Julia also wanted to know when she could be baptized. I love being able to have gentle conversations with my children ... questions that I trust will someday culminate when they ask Jesus to be Lord of their lives.
Another blessing was that I bought a new computer! After a year of debating and praying and trying to decide what I wanted, I finally made a purchase of a Macbook. It's my first laptop ... wel, I do have a laptop that I use at work, but I've never owned a laptop before so it is a first in that respect. I hope I'm happy. Right now, I'm just eager to get everything set up and working. This old computer is really on its last leg ... I hope I'm computer saavy enough to get all of my files from it transferred to my new computer. It's definitely a matter of prayer!
This next little blessing is sort of interesting ... I've been doing the bible study Am I Beautiful? By Angela Thomas. (I love Angela, by the way. Her books are very insightful to my situation in life. Can you believe that I get to hear her speak this weekend?! I'm totally excited because I almost gave up taking this trip to the women's conference in Baton Rouge. Thankfully, I'm going and I'm anxious to see how God speaks to me there and what wonderful things will happen because I was able to attend.)
Back to the Bible study ... Angela begins by talking about how every woman desires to feel beautiful and loved, for some man to find her captivating. She goes on to talk about how it is more important for us to feel captivating and beautiful in the eyes of God than in the eyes of a man. She goes as far as to suggest that we ask God if He finds us beautiful. I didn't realize just how much I craved this feeling until recently. It had been a LONG time since I felt beautiful. I didn't even realize it was missing from my life until I started dating Keith. For those short few weeks, I felt downright gorgeous. When it ended so suddenly, I felt like that gift of being a beautiful woman was ripped from me. So, I started talking to God about it ... and I asked Him if He thought I was beautiful, too.
At the bookstore on Saturday, a lady was selling her book and some friends were drumming up business for her. The friends were walking around passing out daffodils. Daffodils are my all-time favorite flower ... I love them because they are such a happy, yellow color and they practically dance in the spring breezes. When one of those ladies walked up and handed me a daffodil, it was like this wonderful little gift from God. I know that every other lady in that bookstore was getting daffodils, too ... but to me, it was like a kiss from God. You see, daffodils aren't exactly the kind of flower you hand out to others. And the season for daffodils here in Louisiana is past. Those ladies could have been handing out any other kind of flower ... roses, carnations, daisies. But, they were handing out happy, yellow daffodils ... a gift for me from God.
One more thing on a totally different topic... something the boys said to me that made me smile. Julia was being mean to Joel. I guess she hurt him or something. Anyway, Nathan took Joel by the hand and brought him to me. There they stood ... Joel looking all pathetic and hurt while Nathan said this, "Momma ... Julia was being mean to Joel. But Joel was a wise boy because he remembered to overcome evil with good. Only Julia got really mean and hurt him and now he is crying." The whole "overcome evil with good" came from a cd we listen to in the car that teaches bible verses through songs. I love to know that at least some of what I'm trying to teach them is sinking into their brains ... I hope it is going into their hearts, too!
Easter weekend and my heart is full. It's not full of chocolate or little bunnies or spring time flowers. No, my heart is full because my Saviour is blessing me in amazing ways. And He can bless me because He is living ... He is risen! Praise God that the tomb is empty! What a glorious Easter!
The kids and I traveled with Brooke and my parents down to visit my brother's family near Baton Rouge. My niece Rachel was baptized today. My brother Reid (who is a youth pastor) was able to baptize his daughter, so it was very special to witness this precious moment. Baptism doesn't save a person's soul, but it is a beautiful picture of salvation. I'm so happy that my favorite niece (and I can say that because she's the only one) is also my sister in Christ.
While we were getting ready to watch the baptism service, Julia was full of questions. First of all, she wanted to know if Rachel got a new swimsuit to wear since she was going to have to go all the way under the water. When I said that she wouldn't be wearing a swimsuit, Julia gasped and said, "You mean she has to be naked?!" So funny! Julia also wanted to know when she could be baptized. I love being able to have gentle conversations with my children ... questions that I trust will someday culminate when they ask Jesus to be Lord of their lives.
Another blessing was that I bought a new computer! After a year of debating and praying and trying to decide what I wanted, I finally made a purchase of a Macbook. It's my first laptop ... wel, I do have a laptop that I use at work, but I've never owned a laptop before so it is a first in that respect. I hope I'm happy. Right now, I'm just eager to get everything set up and working. This old computer is really on its last leg ... I hope I'm computer saavy enough to get all of my files from it transferred to my new computer. It's definitely a matter of prayer!
This next little blessing is sort of interesting ... I've been doing the bible study Am I Beautiful? By Angela Thomas. (I love Angela, by the way. Her books are very insightful to my situation in life. Can you believe that I get to hear her speak this weekend?! I'm totally excited because I almost gave up taking this trip to the women's conference in Baton Rouge. Thankfully, I'm going and I'm anxious to see how God speaks to me there and what wonderful things will happen because I was able to attend.)
Back to the Bible study ... Angela begins by talking about how every woman desires to feel beautiful and loved, for some man to find her captivating. She goes on to talk about how it is more important for us to feel captivating and beautiful in the eyes of God than in the eyes of a man. She goes as far as to suggest that we ask God if He finds us beautiful. I didn't realize just how much I craved this feeling until recently. It had been a LONG time since I felt beautiful. I didn't even realize it was missing from my life until I started dating Keith. For those short few weeks, I felt downright gorgeous. When it ended so suddenly, I felt like that gift of being a beautiful woman was ripped from me. So, I started talking to God about it ... and I asked Him if He thought I was beautiful, too.
At the bookstore on Saturday, a lady was selling her book and some friends were drumming up business for her. The friends were walking around passing out daffodils. Daffodils are my all-time favorite flower ... I love them because they are such a happy, yellow color and they practically dance in the spring breezes. When one of those ladies walked up and handed me a daffodil, it was like this wonderful little gift from God. I know that every other lady in that bookstore was getting daffodils, too ... but to me, it was like a kiss from God. You see, daffodils aren't exactly the kind of flower you hand out to others. And the season for daffodils here in Louisiana is past. Those ladies could have been handing out any other kind of flower ... roses, carnations, daisies. But, they were handing out happy, yellow daffodils ... a gift for me from God.
One more thing on a totally different topic... something the boys said to me that made me smile. Julia was being mean to Joel. I guess she hurt him or something. Anyway, Nathan took Joel by the hand and brought him to me. There they stood ... Joel looking all pathetic and hurt while Nathan said this, "Momma ... Julia was being mean to Joel. But Joel was a wise boy because he remembered to overcome evil with good. Only Julia got really mean and hurt him and now he is crying." The whole "overcome evil with good" came from a cd we listen to in the car that teaches bible verses through songs. I love to know that at least some of what I'm trying to teach them is sinking into their brains ... I hope it is going into their hearts, too!
Easter weekend and my heart is full. It's not full of chocolate or little bunnies or spring time flowers. No, my heart is full because my Saviour is blessing me in amazing ways. And He can bless me because He is living ... He is risen! Praise God that the tomb is empty! What a glorious Easter!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)