Lately, I've been dissatisfied ... in nearly every area of my life. I don't like the house I live in, or the town and parish either for that matter. I'm dissatisfied with many parts of my job. I am extremely dissatisfied with the church I attend. The list goes on and on and on, as I sit and wish for something better ... for example a better library system, or a better grocery store with more options, or a community of people with a broader mindset, or a chance to use my passport and go on an overseas adventure, etc.
This week has been especially hard, and the feeling of dissatisfaction has been nearly unbearable. I think it all started wehn the old jealousy bug up and bit me first thing on Monday morning. I'm not sure if there can be a worse feeling than jealousy! It's just yucky right to the core and it does nothing but breed dissatisfication. Well, I was already plenty dissatisfied, and so after feeling jealous all week ... anyway, I'm sure you can imagine.
Yesterday, I stopped to wonder when I decided to allow myself to become so consumed with what *I* want and dissatisfied with the way things were measuring up to *MY* standards. I'm not called to live life according to my own ideas. Nor am I to measure this world using my own standards and ideals for the measuring stick. The Bible plainly states that God's ways are not man's ways and that as humans we can't fully understand the heart of God.
Wow. Basically, it all boils down to this ... I'm not God. I'm just Paige, a woman who is blessed enough to be living out life in a very cushy situation when compared with the majority of the rest of the world. And because of that, I now have two choices. I can continue to walk down this path of dissatisfaction and grow more and more miserable with every step I take. After all, dissatisfaction only breeds more dissatisfaction. The other choice I can make is to look for the blessings that area all around me, focus on them and actively develop a grateful heart. Gratefulness grows gratefulness, as well as joy and peace and many other good attitudes. Once again the choice is mine to make, despite whatever feelings I may have.
I'm going to purposefully choose the latter, for the thought occurred to me last night that it really isn't my morning computer time that the Lord wants me to give up for Lent. He would much rather me to give up my spirit of dissatisfaction.