There's a country song by Phil Vassar and the chorus goes like this:
Somewhere in between in the middle
Of the darkness and the light
All I can see is the hazy gray
Between the black and white
I'm not laughin' - I'm not cryin'
I'm not livin' - I'm not dyin' - I'm not flyin'
And I'm not down on my knees
Until I'm over you I'm gonna be stuck
Somewhere in between
Well, I think I'm pretty much "over" Matt in the sense of wanting him to come back. I don't want that at all. I've learned to much about myself and about him to desire to go back into that kind of relationship. He chose not to grow and change with me, and while I wish he had made different choices from the start, I don't want to go back for the world.
However, I'm still stuck, living in the land of "in-between." You see, our divorce is at a stand still, and all because Matt volunteered to go back to Iraq. We are nearly at the point of being able to go back to court to have things finalized. Instead, things are on hold until Matt returns sometime in early 2010, which feels like it is forever and a day away.
Everyone tells me, "Oh, that's great! You get another year of alimony. I wouldn't be in any rush. Just keep taking that money and let him pay you. Milk him for everything you can get!" It all sounds so easy and uncomplicated, doesn't it. Go ahead and admit it ... that' s probably what your advice to me would be as well.
But it isn't easy. I'm stuck. I'm not free of him. I'm still legally his wife. And because of that, I'm unable to fully move on. It's like having unwanted gum stuck to the bottom of my shoes. Every step I take reminds me that it is there. I can sometimes sit still and forget ... but if I get up to go, I am immediately reminded of its presence.
And the truth of the matter is ... I'm tired of being stuck in-between.