Matters of the Heart

Sometimes I wonder why he left ...

Was it me? Perhaps I didn't love him well enough? Maybe I wasn't doing the right things to express the love in my heart. Maybe I was too busy with the kids and not paying him enough attention. Maybe I was too independent and he didn't think I needed or wanted him in my life. Perhaps he didn't think I really loved him when, despite all of his flaws, I did ...

Or maybe in his eyes I not worthy enough for his love. Maybe if I had been prettier or had lost 50 pounds he wouldn't have chosen someone else over me. Perhaps if I had been a more organized person and kept a cleaner house, he would have stayed. What if I could have just kept up with laundry or been a better money manager ... would it have made a difference? Sometimes I wonder if I could have just been something else or something more, then I could have earned his love ...

There are just too many maybes and perhapses. My mind becomes cluttered from thinking of it all. I find myself praying over and over for the simple truth. Just cut it to the quick and tell me the very heart of the matter. God, why did he leave me?!

God is not silent in response to the haunting questions that burn within me. He whispers to me again and again and again three simple truths:

1. I was created in God's image, and therefore I am likeable and I am lovable. Even if no other man ever looks at me twice (much less marries me), it will not change that fact. And if it happens that one does, it will not make me a more lovable, likeable person either.

2. Love is not something handed out because another person deserves it. It is something you give freely because you choose to give it. We were commanded to love and therefore we should obey by choosing to love. Love is also something you choose to receive. Both are choices. We choose to give our love to someone. We choose to receive love from others in return. Hardening our hearts to one means that we are incapable of both.

3. In as much as love is a choice (not necessarily a feeling), so forgiveness is also a choice (not necessarily a feeling). If I can choose to love, I can choose to forgive. Forgiveness keeps our hearts soft and makes us capable of both giving and receiving love. Therefore, choosing not to forgive means that we are choosing not to give or receive love either.

Why did he leave? I don't know. I know that it is very likely I will never know the reason he chose to walk away as if casting me aside for something or someone etter. I also know that I could never begin to fathom the answer to that question even if I knew it. Yet, what I do know is more than enough. You see, I'm learning that God is never silent on matters of the heart.